The Single Spark with Chantelle the Coach (previously The Single Girl's Guide to Life)

Is Being a "Strong, Independent Woman" Killing Your Chances in Dating? | Ep 121

• Chantelle the Coach

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If you're anything like me, you pride yourself on being a strong, independent millennial. One that can take care of themselves, works hard, and has set their life up to work for them. 

And when it comes to dating, of course you take that with you. 

But during my time, articles I read and commentary online started to suggest that being this strong, independent character could put people off, and might be reducing my chances of finding a gentlemen. 

So on today's episode, I'm bringing what I think about my strength and the impact it has on dating, whether it's more harmful than it is useful, and what to do if you're that type of girl in dating, and how to make it work for you, without losing your spark.

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RESOURCES:

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Music from Ep 110 onwards by Kadien Music. Get your own podcast music here!
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life coaching for singles, how to be okay on you're own, overcoming loneliness, how to stop feeling lonely, single women, divorced in your 20s

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DISCLAIMER: The podcast and content posted by Chantelle The Coach is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to another episode of the Single Spark. Now I want to bring this episode to you. I'm super excited about it because it's such an interesting concept, an interesting idea, because I fit right into it and I think there could be something in it. But I don't think it's anything too much to worry about. It's just interesting because I've heard it thrown around a few times and I don't want to put it to bed, but I want to put my two pennies worth in. And I don't want to put it to bed, but I want to put my two pennies worth in.

Speaker 1:

And this is the concept around the idea of the independent woman strong, independent woman doing her own thing inverted commas, not needing a man, but being fully entitled to want a man. But could that label of being strong and independent be ruining your love life? Strong and independent be ruining your love life? And I find that question in itself fascinating because I mean, let's be honest, what would we be saying to a man? Does being strong and independent as a label put your love life in jeopardy? And it absolutely wouldn't be asked, because that is what is expected of a man. Going back to all of that historic stuff, you know, the man is the protector. They, in general they are stronger than women, um, so therefore, naturally, that's fine. The independent bit is because they used to be the provider, because they were given the chances to work police, um, and, and you know, the playing field is more. Even now, women go to work full stop. Women go to work. Women on average, oh, let's not go there today, but actually, um, up until you're I think, it's your 30s, women get paid more on average. Uh, the men, which I always find really interesting around equal payday. But we'll keep that for equal payday. Okay, don't get too, don't get too tropical, too early. Chantelle, let's hold it, hold, let's stick with this one.

Speaker 1:

And so, obviously, this is a shift of what the female counterpart in a heterosexual relationship has traditionally, traditionally provided. But, babes, we're in 2025. We aren't in traditional anymore. We're in double income family households, where it matters. We are in eras where women don't need men to be able to live. They can support themselves, and so this kind of I think actually more of it brings back to this element of so, if we if we inverted commas are taking that away from men, what do men bring? That's almost where it comes to, and it's so funny that the question is is does being strong and independent ruin your love life? Because the question really is well, actually, if, if women are strong and independent on their own, what are men bringing to the table in a relationship like what? What are they there for? And I think this is where we can cut men some slack, because traditionally they have been the ones that have been relied on, had to be the head of the household, had to be the provider of money, whilst the woman took care of the children, looked after the household. And actually, if we're kind of stepping into part of the role of provider and strength and sorting stuff out, I don't think that's changed. And strength and sorting stuff out, I don't think that's changed. But actually, what role would we like men to shift towards if that's being shared out a little bit more now? And I think it would be lovely to think that we can encourage men to be a little less strong and a little less independent too, and actually rely on their wives which they do anyway and always did, whether it was acknowledged but rely on one another and form this concept of of a team to be able to sometimes admit that they're not always right and that they're not always the person to be making the decision or not the best person to be making the decision. Actually, the joint venture of a couple, of of leading a family, is much more appealing to me. Now I don't worry about being a strong, independent woman.

Speaker 1:

I heard the comment many times, I heard many. I think this is where tate comes in, isn't it? Because he sort of brings this concept of if that's not what men are, then men are redundant if we don't give them something to do. And actually we should re-establish I believe this was his belief re-establish the traditional roles of men and women, because that's where people are fitting in Now. I don't agree with that sentiment. I think why can we not just shift things about? That was tradition back then. It's traditional now to have two people working. So why can it not be now tradition to share the housework because both parties are working? And why can we not share the strength that the family needs as well as share the softness that the family needs? And why can't we encourage men to develop that side? Because women have been empowered, have built their strength and independence, and I think we're further back on the side of softening off the world for men.

Speaker 1:

I think, knowing the stats you know of the, you know, is it? The biggest killer under 40 of men is suicide, something along those lines. We have a deep issue that men aren't talking, men are not having discussions, men are not sharing what they're feeling and thinking, they don't know how, they're not encouraged because of the strength Now in terms of being a strong, independent woman, I think, because of that idea that women talk to their friends and share and that is it's not ingrained but it's default. It's default from school and things like that we don't have. When we get that strength that comes in, we don't have the issue of not being able to talk and communicate, which then when we bring that to a relationship, that's a powerhouse. You've got strength and confidence in yourself. You've got the ability to talk, communicate, be empathetic and understanding, even if some of those areas need some work.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes it makes you it's not quite a triple threat, but I mean that's a double threat in terms of being a good candidate for a relationship. And when I say the word threat, obviously I don't mean that it scares people off. But actually what's wrong with scaring people off If you think that a fantastic woman who has the ability to look after herself, makes herself happy without having anyone else in her life as a romantic partner, then looks like they have the skills to carry out a fantastic relationship, one where you're not just going to be able to be flaky, give petty excuses, bring up anything you like and do whatever you like without there potentially being a consequence. If that means that your love life suffers as a result, whatever that means, I'm assuming that means you date less people or you have less candidates or you put more people off, then, just like in business and I know you guys are not all business minded, but I do this all the time like I do not want to work with everyone their podcasts. I want to work on people that want to change the world or make the world a better place in some way, as opposed to just keep it up with because they've got a podcast and they've got a podcast. I need a podcast. Oh no, no, no. I want to work with the people that want to change the world and in the same, I don't want to date a man. I wouldn't want to be with a man who isn't prepared to work on themselves, to develop and be a communicator, a listener and a talker and accept that I have my independence alongside being a team with them. And if that means putting people off, if that means not having to go on 6,000 first dates because I can wipe out half of them because they don't want to be with someone that's strong and independent, then fantastic. I would have thought that that would have worked wonders for your love life, because it's only going to get you talking to people that are even remotely yeah and that comes across very quickly, I think. I think if you've got strength when you're dating, if you've got a strong level of independence you own your own house sorted your own job, really don't rely on your parents to provide you for anything things like that and you've got your own thoughts, that comes across straight away in your first date or your online discussions. And if that scares someone off, if that's too much for someone, I think that's helping your dating life than hindering. Now there's obviously a stage at which that could go too far if you do not give the opportunity for that person to step into your life and help you, because there is that instinct for men, based on tradition, based on all the years of being providers, that they want to help and they want to save and I've read lots of pieces of ways to make men want you more is to have them as the savior, to get them to really help you in situations. Now.

Speaker 1:

I don't think there's anything wrong with me asking jason to fix the shelf because I put it up in the first place. It's come away and it's a bit loose. If jason was not there, I am gonna do it. I'm gonna look it up. I'm gonna look at what I haven't done. Right. It looks like it maybe was the wool plug size or something like that. It just needs redoing, but I'd have looked it up on YouTube. I'd have figured out a way to do it, things like that. However, with Jason in the picture, it's a no brainer to me to ask Jason first, because I'm not versed in that area.

Speaker 1:

I put the shelf up in the first place. It's taken four years for it to get wobbly, which I don't think is actually that bad. Gets used all the time. It's one that the coats go on and park run stuff all stays on it, so it all stays in one place, things like that. Right, but out of the two of us, the person that has the most experience with putting shelves up with DIY, of knowing probably what the issue is and knowing where to get it from. Then I'm going to go to Jason and that doesn't compromise my independence because I had to rely on him and ask. It just means that we're choosing the best person for the job to do it. And I think that's where it can go too far is when you might feel undermined by someone doing that for you or feel like it's taking your independence away. When it just makes logical sense.

Speaker 1:

But if this kind of element comes through in dating. So, for example, I think, um, the debate around who pays the bill on the first date is an interesting one to go into here. Or should you want the door to be opened for you and should you let the woman walk in first. Now I I don't think I pay attention to the door very much, but if someone did that to me cute, lovely, you've opened the door for me. That that's cool because you know, cute, I like that, but to me that's nice. I don't feel that takes away any of my independence. Yes, I can open a door, but what's wrong with being a bit gentlemanly? What's a what's wrong with courting and not just flirting like that? Is. That's polite, that's thoughtful. That was what that, I'm assuming, was all about. Hopefully, hopefully there's no other historic reason for opening doors.

Speaker 1:

Then, when it comes to splitting the bill or them paying is probably the opposite thing of that. Like it's so interesting. Strong, independent woman, but I've never offered to pay the full bill on a date Again. Does that come from tradition or not? In my head, it's just. It's the fairness. I think I'm always inclined to split. So if they say I'll pay the bill, I'll say, oh, no, no, let's split it Now. If they double down and they say, no, I asked you out on a date, I'm gonna pay. That's what I believe in. I'm cool for a first date. On a second, we're then going to switch this up and we're definitely going to at least split or I will pay the whole thing, because in my head I'll be like you got this one, I'll get this, so I have paid for it. I don't know if I've even done it that way ever, so quite I think the instinct for me is normally that it's split.

Speaker 1:

If they did it a second time, that does start to feel like it compromises my independence because I feel like I'm not being paid for, but it feels like that. Imagine going on four dates and not being paid for. But it feels like that, do you know? Like imagine going on four dates and they've paid for everything. You can feel that imbalance of power of shift, and you can imagine someone coming back and going well, I've paid for all four. Right, you've paid for all four. Great. You could feel that you might feel obliged in some way. So to me, I don't mind them offering to pay first. I'll try and insist on a split, and if they get away with it for the first one, sure, hopefully I'll be able to even it up for another one.

Speaker 1:

That there to me, though, the minute they start paying for two, three, four, we're getting into dangerous realms here that someone might be operating on a slightly different system to me, and I think my independence that would have come through through me trying to pay and any other little elements of the country, would have put them off. Anyway. If that's something that they believe in, in terms of they want to pay it each time, they want to be the provider, etc. It probably comes down to the person that is more traditional, and so if you find two traditionalists, two people that do believe in that setup, believe that they will be the stay-at-home mum that might work a little job but will predominantly look after the kids, versus a woman that will, after they've had kids, predominantly go back to work, will find some way to get childcare, or even between them, they take one to two days off each per week to cover most of the childcare and then have a couple of days in a nursery or something like. You can see that that's a very different model to the traditionalist, which is the stay at home mum, the full stay at home mum.

Speaker 1:

Vibe, and I think if you are strong and independent, you like the odd gestures. I'm basically saying you're like me, independent, you like the odd gestures. I'm basically saying you're like me If you like the odd gesture of you know them buying you flowers, of opening the door for you. None of that compromises my independence, but we fought to be able to have the vote. That's not where I was going, but we fought for a lot of things. Women before us fought for a lot of things. Women before us before us fought for a lot of things. One included the vote, but I mean we.

Speaker 1:

There's this weird stat, this amazing stat that is in oh, what's the book called. It's the. It's the one about being single. Single books swimming cover. It's got a swimming cover on the front. You might know what I'm talking about. I've typed in single books swimming cover. But it's just come up with a bunch of books. It's the something, something of being single book, the unexpected joy of being. I knew I wasn't gonna get that right on its own.

Speaker 1:

I think in there it talks about, um, the, the time period that women were allowed to have their own bank. What year did women start having their own bank accounts? What year were women allowed to have their own bank accounts In the UK? 1975. So you're telling me my mum was born to my grandma. How did that work? Because my grandma I don't know who my granddad is. We know his name but we don't know who he is, where he is. He disappeared after my mum was born or after my grandma got pregnant. So where was my grandma's money being paid? My mum was born in 1967 and women weren't allowed their own bank accounts in their own name until 1975. And women weren't allowed their own bank accounts in their own name until 1975. So I don't know how my grandma got money. I'm going to have to ask her.

Speaker 1:

Banks required married women to have their spouse's signature on credit applications. Some of this could be US. This is just the first search on Google. Banks could deny credit cards to single women. Women's property automatically came under the ownership of their husband. What you? Could a single woman buy a house in the UK 1975, women were finally allowed to get a mortgage on their own.

Speaker 1:

I mean, I didn't know that and that's a new fact for the day. Now I know my grandma, I don't know. My mum talks about spending a lot of time with my great-grandma and grandad, so it makes me wonder did they live there? And was that because my grandma couldn't rent on her own, because she certainly couldn't buy at that time? She wouldn't have had any money to do that, let alone be allowed by the banks. It's just. It's just mad. So I think the fact that people have people pushed for that, whoever managed to get that through and get that acknowledged, trying to then stop a woman from paying for something, yeah, feels a little bit icky to me feels a little bit icky. It would question my independence and I'm not going to sit well with that and that is going to put the traditionalists off. It's going to, it's going to get rid of them. So I don't think this independent woman label is is an issue, because it helps you find the right person, and I still maintain my independence.

Speaker 1:

I want to do an episode for you in terms of how I maintain my independence. Being in a relationship, it's vitally important that both of us maintain our independence to Jason and I. I go out and do things on my own. Jason goes out and do things on his own. Jason goes and does stuff with the children on his own all the time. It is not like an enmeshment all of a sudden. I'm glad that I had enough independence, because independence also means that I have a bunch of boundaries that has always served me well and continues to serve us well, and the way that we operate, in the way that we handle one another, how we each handle different people around us, and I've had to build some of that power of boundaries.

Speaker 1:

But being strong, being independent, just means that you can look after yourself. I don't need someone to look after the basics for me. I need help when things are hard, when things are going wrong. I don't need you to pay the bills. I don't need someone to be able to buy a house, but hey, I would love not to have to cook tonight. I would love to have someone to turn to when there's been a hard day. I'm not a lone wolf.

Speaker 1:

Independent woman does not mean that you don't rely on other people. In fact, I think the best independent women have the best social circles around them. Not the biggest, just the best people. They've worked out who really is there for them. They have that support network of people, be it some family, be it a mixture of friends or one or other. They know what they want and they're not going to waste time on someone that can't give that to them.

Speaker 1:

If you're a strong, independent woman that is dating or even in a relationship, I think I think it's. It's got to be a strong standard now, each to their own, because someone would be like I could not deal with a woman doing xyz and they maybe do just live in the previous traditional sense and we can't say that the progressive version, the version where women are independent is, is better than just providing for the home, because some people absolutely love that. They want to be with the babies, they want to be at home, they want to just be doing the chores, and sometimes I do think that life is easier. I think, oh, wouldn't it just be nice if there was a man that could just work and I could stay at home and not have to work. But I'm more ambitious than that. The truth is, it would just be nice to have a break, but doing that day in, day out wouldn't suit me. It wouldn't be my best thing I'd be. It wouldn't take long before I'd be like tearing the walls down, trying to get out of the situation and going get me back to work. I can't do this. This is crazy.

Speaker 1:

So I don't think there's anything wrong with being an independent woman. We're made to feel like there's something wrong. We're putting so many people off. Yeah, I'm putting all the wrong people off. I put all the wrong people off and that's why I didn't date that much. I dated a lot on apps. I didn't go on that many first dates, so important to remember.

Speaker 1:

Independent women have their own lives. Dating is not going to take over their lives. When it comes to it, they'll make time for it. But it's not everything. I've got social life. I've got work life. I've got hobby life. I've got ventures, interests, traveling to do. I'll fit dating in. Give it enough of a priority, but it can't take everything up, and so I've got to weed the bad ones out early and only invest some time in the potential for someone that could actually be a good date.

Speaker 1:

So if you're an independent woman who's thinking about dating or is dating right now, like step into it. It will get rid of all the you don't want to deal with anyway. It might have some slight negatives to it. You know people thinking you're too much. You don't want those people. Get rid of them all. I'm finding it hard to find many negatives around it. Just if it comes across, if you deal with it or don't approach it in the right way, it could put the wrong people off in the terms of like they're people that would actually be good for you, but you're just being too adamant in your independence and not having that softness when it's needed or letting them contribute and help you when it makes the most sense. Until next time, keep sparkling.

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Chantelle Dyson

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